Getting yourself out of the Desert of Singledom

This guide compiled by the one and only Craig the Bomb Johns is more than just a guide to winning the bird you’ve always wanted. It’s a guide to winning the bird you’ve always wanted and getting her to drive you everywhere in her car because you don’t have your own. It’s a pretty phenomenal compilation of strategic moves. This man is an icon, yet so little has been documented about his techniques and strategy.

This is my tribute, my salute, to one of the greats.

I was only able to capture a few of his carefully planned moves but here they are:

• He went to India to buy stones. Don't do this without months and in his case years of knowing how to know a deal. The grand master C-bomb spends more time on the Gumtree per day than he sleeps.

• He learnt her love language – German.

• He spent late nights talking on the phone to the bird melting her mind with German love poems after he bamboozaled her with the stones.

• He obtained the V. To achieve this he sacrificed beer, even free beer. And he ate oats everyday only occasionally treating himself to Maltonia(see your closest Shoprite for this, in the millipap isle). Extra tip, if you dont have a sink plug at home- leave the last scraps of your Maltonia bowl in the sink and it will seal your sink tighter than any plug could. Maltonia differs chemically from plastic in 1% of its properties.

• He learnt to sew. On Valentines day he sewed a red heart onto a shirt for his goose.

• He learnt musical instruments, he specialised in the harmonica and the guitar. In group settings he also likes the cowbell.

• He spend lots of time with her in the green room. The photo is actually the green room at home affairs, but the idea is similar. This is also where he will be collecting his German passport one day.

These are but a few things that C-bomb did to win the heart of his goose. Single people, take notes or even better- print this out and put it in your wallet.